Allowing Your Child to Grow When Facing Challenges

Dear Coach Bryant,

I felt alarmed when I saw my son’s latest report card and realized he is getting C’s in a couple of classes. I can’t seem to make him understand that, beyond hurting his GPA and his chance at being accepted to his top college, nearly failing classes is simply unacceptable to the baseball coaches who are recruiting him. My wife wants to intervene and has even completed some of his academic assignments for him. I think she’s doing too much, but neither one of us wants to see his transcript riddled with poor grades. What is a reasonable amount to help our son?

Floundering in Fairfield

Dear Floundering,

First of all, let's try not to be catastrophic – a C is not even close to failing, although it might feel that way when college looms on the horizon.  The truth is, sometimes we have to let our kids "fail" in order for them to learn how to thrive.   I have to ask: while you are worrying about his grades and assignments, what is your son doing? Here are some ways to motivate him while not doing the hard work for him:

Suggest Positive Change

If a child is really struggling with the subject matter, it is absolutely within reason to encourage your son to communicate with his teacher, assist him in finding a tutor, or help him improve his time management skills. However, completing assignments for him is out of bounds, unethical, and could even cause long-term harm.

Be realistic: kids have to grow up

By the time your son is in college, will you still be able to swoop in and fix things for him there too? Of course not. It’s important that he learns to take care of himself before leaving home. If you’re constantly cushioning him from bottoming out, he won’t feel the all too necessary ramifications of failure.

Put things in perspective

Failing a class is tough, but it’s not the end of the world. You can support your child by modeling resilience and encouraging positive behavior changes. Falling short of expectations brings consequences but also the chance to learn the importance of accountability.

Your child is not too busy

Yes, he is juggling his studies, baseball practices and his social life. But he can also keep track of application deadlines and ask his teachers for letters of recommendation. Teach your child some executive functioning skills and let him tackle the actual tasks, with your support as needed.

The Reality

The culmination of your child’s educational journey should not be a result of your work, nor is it a reflection on you. You want your child to go to college with the tools to balance his course of study, social life, and athletic commitments. If you’ve been taking care of every administrative task and even completing academic work for him, can you reasonably expect him to thrive? Remember that the goal is to match your child with a school well-suited to his actual abilities. With the right foundation, even if it involves failure, he will go into his next chapter with self-sufficiency and your (slightly distant) loving support.

All the best,

Coach Bryant