Dear Younger Me – Angelica Galluzzo

The Leave Your Mark Series invites current and former college athletes to address their former selves to provide advice, comfort, or anything else they feel may be important for up-and-coming generations to consider when determining their college athletic goals.

To read the entire Leave Your Mark Series, head over to www.athletestoathletes.com

Dear 16-year-old Angelica,

Wow, what a tough couple of years it has been. I just want to start by saying that I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry that you went through so much pain and suffering. I’m sorry that you felt so alone and incredibly misunderstood. I’m sorry that the weight of the world made you want to leave it.

I’m sorry for all of it. You didn’t deserve it. 

That dark cloud really took over everything, didn’t it? I still remember how terrifying that time was – waking up every day wishing you hadn’t. The overwhelming feelings, the suicidal thoughts, the self-harming behaviors – it was exhausting. 

In the middle of all of that, you tore your ACL (2014). That’s a heartbreaking injury for any athlete out there, but especially for one who is trying to get recruited.

I need to take a second to acknowledge how strong you were through that recovery. You took it like an absolute champ. Never for a second did you hesitate or let it bring you down. You treated rehab like your full-time job and always kept your goals in close reach.

And it worked.

You came back a better, stronger, and wiser player and person than you ever were before. 

In 2015, you captained your team to a Provincial and National title. Still, one of your proudest achievements to date. You also earned a Division 1 Scholarship to the University of Cincinnati.

I am so proud of you.

You were always striving for the next best thing, but I just want to tell you that it’s okay to slow down and celebrate your accomplishments. This has been your biggest goal since you were about 7 years old, and you did it!

Even in between all the obstacles that were thrown your way, you built character and learned perspectives that will lead you for several years to come. 

I’m writing this to you now, as a 23-year-old, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but there are many more struggles coming your way.

Depression remains a constant, many unexpected things will occur, and you will go through LOTS of painful change and growth. You’re not going to like any of what I am about to tell you, in fact, this will probably make you spiral.

But I am sitting here right now with our family dog (ya I know, crazy right?), writing this with a smile on my face, reminiscing about how far you have come.

So, grab some Kleenex and get ready to come along our wild journey.

I know you are currently training hard and getting ready for your first pre-season as a college athlete, so this is going to be very difficult to hear. But your collegiate experience is not going to go quite the way you wanted. In fact, it’s going to look like the complete opposite.

You’re going to tear your other ACL about one month before reporting date. I know, I’m sorry. 

This recovery isn’t going to be as easy as the first one, but, fortunately, you will find that motivation and resilience again.

You’re going to have surgery at home and then move to Cincinnati as a redshirt freshman. I know you’re eager to earn your spot on the team but let me just warn you that it’s not easy showing up, in the middle of pre-season, as an injured first year player.

Give yourself some grace and allow yourself to grieve the experiences you thought you were going to have.

You’re going to be spending a lot of time in that training room. As much as that sucks, it’s also going to be a pretty cool experience.

Being at a well-funded research school, you will get to use and try several modalities, new exercises, and high-end equipment that will eventually get you cleared to play again – YAY!

Lacing up for your first practice as a real D1 athlete is going to be both exciting and scary.

You worked incredibly hard to make that happen so please take a moment to give yourself some credit. Getting back on the field will be a major physical, mental, and emotional shift that will change the meaning of being a “student-athlete”.

Finally, you will feel a sense of belonging and pride.

6 days. You will only get 6 days of full contact training before the next big thing happens. Please enjoy it.

To this day, that fluke accident is still something that hurts you to think about. After doing everything right: your rehab, your training, your academics, this is going to be a tough pill to swallow.

Did you know you could absolutely shred your meniscus apart from standing up out of a chair? Because I sure didn’t. 

It’s going to be hard to keep up that strong façade this time. The “what if’s” and “why’s” will begin to flood your mind and make this recovery one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to go through. 

Why is this happening to me? What if I wasn’t sitting at that desk? Why does everyone else get to live out their dream while I can’t seem to catch a break? What if I never get to play again?

I could tell you so much more about your time as a Bearcat, but most of it you need to experience for yourself.

Long story short, you will medically redshirt for the second year in a row. You will, again, spend all your days in the training room getting ready for spring season.

Your mental and emotional resilience will be challenged. Take breaks and put you (the person, not the student-athlete) first.

I’m happy to tell you that you WILL get to step on the field in an actual (spring) game TWICE.

I know this is not at all what you wanted, and I’m sorry, but trust me, it will be a very rewarding experience to finally put that jersey on.

It’s going to be emotional. It’s going to be hard.
But I promise you will get there. 

This is a lot to take in and I guess it’s easier for me to look back on and tell you what happened compared to what it actually felt like to be living through it.

But I need to tell you that things will get better.

I know you probably just rolled your eyes reading that because, obviously, but I sincerely truly mean it. 

You’re going to make an abrupt, tough decision to transfer back home to Western University. And while this might sound like the end of the world to you now, trust me, it’s actually the best decision you are going to make for your overall well-being. 

The transition is going to be difficult.

A new environment, a new program, a new team, it’s a lot to handle. But the fact that you still get to play varsity soccer after everything you went through is going to feel remarkable.

And this time, there will be a lot more to celebrate.

You’re going to start getting involved in things that matter to you. You’re going to start finding purpose and meaning outside of your sport.

You are going to start using your voice, sharing your story, and fighting for what you believe in.

Now you’ve probably heard enough bad news for one day, so I am going to leave out the fact that you will get hurt in both seasons you played as a Mustang, and some strange global pandemic is going to take away your final year. (Don’t worry about that just yet, you’ll learn to only focus on what you can control)

Five major knee surgeries in five years is absolutely horrible, to say the least.

No kind of strength, optimism or positive quotes could ever prepare you for something like this. There is nothing I can say that will change this path for you, but I guess the overall message of this letter is to assure you that it’s going to be okay. 

What’s odd is that you spent your entire childhood dreaming about playing at a D1 school and continuing your career as a professional athlete when, in reality, you’ll only use about 1.5 years of eligibility at an Ontario school, and you will actually be happy with where you’re at. 

You have and always will be more than an athlete and I can’t wait for you to see how it all turns out. 

Although you will face a lot of adversity and wonder why so many bad things keep happening, I promise it’s all building you into a woman that you’re going to proud of one day.

That’s not to say that everything is sunshine and rainbows because believe me, it’s not. But you will eventually find peace in all the madness and learn to embrace the struggle. 

I know you probably can’t see it right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you are getting closer and closer to finding it.

One day at a time Jell. 

All my love and strength,

– Future Angelica